Journery to Trust - Choose to Praise - Day 13

We make a choice to praise. It is not made lightly in the face of suffering, but it is a choice that leads to blessing - in God's way; in God's time.



Blessed Be the Name 

Blessed be Your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I'm gonna say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Chris Tomlin

Blessings,
Linda

Journey to Trust - Day 12

Psalm 41

"As the deer longs for streams of water,
    so I long for you, O God.
² I thirst for God, the living God.
    When can I go and stand before him?
³ Day and night I have only tears for food,
    while my enemies continually taunt me, saying,
    “Where is this God of yours?”

⁴ My heart is breaking
    as I remember how it used to be:
I walked among the crowds of worshipers,
    leading a great procession to the house of God,
singing for joy and giving thanks
    amid the sound of a great celebration!

⁵ Why am I discouraged?
    Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
    I will praise him again—
    my Savior and ⁶ my God!

Now I am deeply discouraged,
    but I will remember you—
even from distant Mount Hermon, the source of the Jordan,
    from the land of Mount Mizar.
⁷ I hear the tumult of the raging seas
    as your waves and surging tides sweep over me.
⁸ But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me,
    and through each night I sing his songs,
    praying to God who gives me life.

⁹ “O God my rock,” I cry,
    “Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I wander around in grief,
    oppressed by my enemies?”
¹⁰ Their taunts break my bones.
    They scoff, “Where is this God of yours?”

¹¹ Why am I discouraged?
    Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
    I will praise him again—
    my Savior and my God!"

Blessings,

Linda

Journey to Trust - Praise - Day 11

I look back on those weeks of cold silence in wonder - wonder at my nerve. My little self turning my back on God. I think of Job and the words the Lord spoke in the face of his angry questions:

"Where were you when I created the earth? Tell me since you know so much....
  And who took charge of the ocean when it gushed forth like a baby from the womb? That was Me! I wrapped it softly in clouds, and tucked it in safely at night...
  And have you ever ordered Morning, 'Get up!' told Dawn, 'Get to work?'...
  Do you know where Light comes from and where Darkness lives so you can take them by the hand and lead them home when they get lost...
  Can you get the attention of clouds and commission a shower of rain?....
 
For three chapters God answers Job with questions of His own. But such questions made little impression on me at the time. I saw only my own suffering, and I wanted out.

Weeks spent with cold distance between my heart and the heart of God began to take a toll. I felt so empty. The day came when I knew I had to stop living in the barren valley. I had a choice to make. I would choose faith or I would walk away. There really was no "Land of In-between."

With my back to Him I looked down the long road of years yet to come. All I could see was emptiness - a place devoid of hope and meaning, filled with despair. I turned slowly to face Him. I couldn't see the path, but I knew He was up ahead - waiting. I took one halting step forward and spoke His name.

I told Him I didn't know how to pray any more; that it seemed He had turned a deaf ear to all my cries for help. I wanted to believe in Him, but I had only the tiniest flicker of faith to see by.

He answered in His gentle way, "Praise."

Praise - in the face of such loss; in the face of such heart-wrenching sorrow?

Yes - just that - praise.

I struggled for words. Reaching for the Psalms, I walked into praise.

Blessings,
Linda

Journey to Trust - Despair - Day 10

We settled in to our new "normal," the years rolling rapidly into one another with increasing speed. Our nest emptied and grew all at the same time - taking on new color and form. Two daughters-in-love, a handful of grandchildren and a daughter all grown up and graduated from college off to make a life of her own.

I counted our blessings and, true to form, cast a wary eye over my shoulder waiting for the next blow. After all, everyone knows when things are going well disaster can't be far off. My skewed "doctrine" didn't allow for much peace.

As silly as they sometimes sound, there is usually a bit of truth tucked into those superstitious beliefs. They prove true often enough to convert even the most pragmatic among us. Sure enough the next blow came, and it was more devastating than I could ever have imagined.

I pause here to say there are some stories we are not free to share - for they are not ours alone. I love a good mystery, but that isn't what I'm about here. I simply cannot tell what might bring pain to someone else. Suffice it to say - it was my worst nightmare come true.

I cannot adequately describe the pain and despair. What I had prayed desperately to be delivered from had come to us - far worse than I had ever imagined. I didn't feel anger toward God. I felt a disappointment so keen it tore my heart in two. I turned my face away from Him and couldn't even pray - not for a very long time.

Blessings,
Linda

Journey to Trust - Day 9

"Trust Me one day at a time. This keeps you close to Me, responsive to My will. Trust is not a natural response, especially for those who have been deeply wounded....

Exert your will to trust Me in all circumstances. Don't let your need to understand distract you from My presence. I will equip you to get through this day victoriously, as you live in deep dependence on Me. Tomorrow is busy worrying about itself; don't get tangled up in its worry-webs. Trust Me one day at a time."

Sarah Young: "Jesus Calling"

Psalm 84:12 "Lord Almighty, blessed is the one who trusts in You."

Blessings,
Linda

Journey to Trust - Suffering - Day 8

He bent over to pick up his tools and saw the swirling pattern fill his eye - and the long journey to trust began. For the next few years we traveled back and forth to specialists  in a desperate attempt to save his vision. The prognosis was grim from the start.

We prayed our way through surgeries and painful days of recovery only to have to go through the whole ordeal again when the procedures failed. I was on a roller coaster faith ride - filled with hope one minute, weighted down with despair the next. I had long ago lost any notion of control. I was simply crying out for a miracle.

When the miracle didn't come we searched for answers. There were some well-meaning folks who questioned our faith. After all, they reasoned, it says in scripture that if you have enough faith you can ask for anything and God will give it to you. Others, perhaps not so well-meaning, asked if we had carefully examined our lives for unconfessed sin.

Here I was again - trying desperately to be enough. Faith-filled enough. Good enough.

In my heart I  knew God didn't work that way and I tried to ignore the "helpers," but I struggled for answers. Why is this good man suffering? Why is it You don't answer my prayers Lord? What must I do?

In time we adjusted to our situation. One eye saved, the other lost to blindness. And I simply went on walking the same path - no closer to understanding the meaning of trust than I had been before. I accepted that this was God's will for us. I longed to draw closer to Him - and I did in so many ways. But the battle for control still raged in my heart. I wanted desperately to make life good - to put an end to suffering.

For days before every check-up I begged and bargained with God (I would even hope for a cancellation because no news is good news - right?). When the results were good, I rejoiced. When there were problems, I stepped up the begging and bargaining. If they got worse I went from anger to guilt to withdrawing from God and finally to confession - an agonizing cycle.

In my own way, I was still grasping for control. I felt I couldn't live a life filled with so much potential for pain. I longed for peaceful, predictable days with a calendar devoid of doctor appointments. I tried so hard.

And all my trying got me nowhere at all.

Blessings,
Linda

Journey to Trust - Control (Day 7)

I wash down the patio table, dust off the chairs and haul my lap top outside. It is one of "those" days - the one I've been longing for for months. Months of unrelenting heat and brassy skies that made sitting outdoors a foolish idea at best.

But this day - ah this perfect day - of gentle breezes and clear blue skies stretching from horizon to horizon - running from pastel borders to a brilliant blue center that makes the eyes ache with longing. There isn't a sound apart from the chatter of birds, the neighbor's crowing rooster (who has destroyed the mistaken notion that they only crow at the rising of the sun) and the gentle rustle of leaves in the old oaks.

If I had my way, all the days would be just like this one. We would wake up to crisp, clear mornings and sit on the front porch in the evening and watch the sky turn into an artist's pallet of glorious colors. It is a silly notion, for I have no power to control the weather - not one tiny bit. Nor the wisdom to manage it. For what of the need for rain and changing seasons and even calamities?

However, I somehow acquired the notion that life was a whole different kettle of fish. If you knew me well, it wouldn't take you long to discover I have made a valiant attempt to manage everything and everyone in my life almost single-handedly.  If worrying, manipulating, nagging and frantic praying could have done the trick, I would have accomplished my mission. Instead I made everyone around me frustrated at best and not a little resentful.

Never content to focus on today's worries, I tended to look ahead - to tomorrow, next week, even months down the road. By the time I had to face the worry head on, I was exhausted, fearful and frustrated. Frustrated because all my efforts hadn't changed one single thing.

I had, and have, much to learn about trust. Trying to be good enough so that God would bless my life with happiness and good things didn't work. I was hardly ever good enough, and even when I was bad things still happened. Nor could I control the bad things - couldn't prevent them from coming no matter how hard I tried. And they came - oh how they came - threatening to destroy faith altogether.

Something was terribly wrong with my whole way of thinking. I believe, looking back, I knew what it was. I just couldn't seem to change the habits of a life-time. Somehow I had skewed the reality of who God is and the way He works in our lives - reduced Him in a misguided attempt to make Him manageable.

I needed to get reacquainted. I didn't know that, but He did.

Blessings,
Linda