Angst and a Sunday Stroll

After nearly six years of writing posts, one would think I had all of this pretty much down to a science - but one would be wrong. Periodically over the course of those nearly six years, I mentally compose a post in which I bid a fond farewell to the internet and more specifically my blog. I may have even written one a time or two. But being the wishy-washy person I am, I no sooner hit publish than I begin to regret everything I said.

While walking earlier today, my little mind was hard at work composing another of said posts. I have become thoroughly sick and tired of myself and my inability to do things in moderation. It seems I am one of those all or nothing sort of people. I either spend hours with my face glued to the computer screen or I shut it down altogether. These things ought not to be so.

I can't even make up my mind about this book I thought I was writing. One hundred printed pages sit on my printer and I vacillate between throwing the whole pile in the trash or trying to finish the story. I'm not sure how to reconcile wishy-washy with all or nothing. I may have a dual personality or something.

So.....instead of any or all of the above things, I'll share our lovely Riverwalk with you. For months and months I've been saying we need to go see the new addition, and for months and months we have not. In a bold move, I made a decision! My husband, who always knows his own mind, agreed.

We began our walk here, among the beautiful roses.

 There is something so restful about water, and when it cascades over rocks and bubbles and gurgles, it is magical.

The flowers are magnificent. I wanted to take a few of these beauties home with us.

This is a grotto designed by a local San Antonio artist.

 The fragrance from the Honeysuckle was positively heady.

 If you click on the picture, you can see a little Mockingbird perched next to the lamp. He (or she) was singing his (or her) little heart out. We watched "To Kill a Mockingbird" the other day, and listening to the  music, I understood.

 There were even flying fish!

 What could be better than sitting in the sunshine by the river on a beautiful spring day?

 Here is the grotto in all its glory. There are all kinds of hidden faces and figures within the design. It is fascinating.

 As we came to the end of our walk, we saw one of the barges making its way down the river.

It was a perfectly beautiful day - and so much nicer than all that "angsty" stuff in the beginning of this post. Sorry about all that. One of the very best things about friends is, they listen as though they hadn't heard it all a hundred times before .....because that's just what friends do.


Joining a precious friend today:



Blessings dear friends,
Linda

Choices

It takes me a long time to process things. There are, of course, initial reactions - but the depth of feeling, the thoughtful response - doesn't come for some time.

I've been reading and pondering and praying. I keep coming back to choices - to the impact even the smallest of them can make in a life. A slight jog in a new direction and the course of an entire life may be changed. Perhaps not all at once - but choices piled upon choices. If they are taking us in a wrong direction, can we be wise enough or strong enough to make the one that will turn things around?

And if we don't and  the worst happens and those choices result in pain and suffering to others? What is the just result?

Here is something C.S. Lewis wrote in "Mere Christianity" :

"I would much rather say that every time you make a choice you are turning the central part of you, the part of you that chooses, into something a little different from what it was before. And taking your life as a whole, with all your innumerable choices, all your life long you are slowly turning this central thing either into a heavenly creature or into a hellish creature: either into a creature that is in harmony with God, and with other creatures, and with itself, or else into one that is in a state of war and hatred with God, and with its fellow creatures, and with itself. To be the one kind of creature is heaven: that is, it is joy and peace and knowledge and power. To be the other means madness, horror, idiocy, rage, impotence, and eternal loneliness. Each of us at each moment is progressing to the one state or the other."

What do you think?

Blessings,
Linda

P.S. Blogger is having one of "those" days and refuses to let me post a picture. sigh.....

Usher in the Dream

In this season of my life, the one I imagined would be mine to live out hidden dreams, the pace has slowed, and I push hard to hold back the urge to hurry. Hurry to get through the necessary so that I can do the other. The irony is when I have finally conquered the necessary and rushed into the other - it tends to feel a bit empty.

It doesn't compare to moments spent walking ever so slowly beside her. I take her hand in mine to help her navigate the rough places. She looks up with a tender smile and says, "I used to do this for you."

It hardly measures up to slowing down a bit for a husband who put his life on hold to care for me. In the weeks following major back surgery, there was nothing for him but my needs.I remember his strong arm supporting me when I began to take those first tentative steps. How do we measure such things?

Dreams are lovely things. I have them still. Perhaps it is these moments, this slowing of body and soul, that usher in the dream after all.

Joining my lovely, brave friend Laura today:

 

Blessings,
Linda

My God Is Awesome

In the face of all that has overwhelmed us this week, may we lift our hearts and eyes to our awesome God and focus on all He is.



Blessings,
Linda

Our choir sang this song during our Easter Program. It has blessed me over and over again. I pray it ministers to you dear friends.

Trust

I will be writing at Laced With Grace tomorrow (Friday). Please join me there for the rest of this devotional

Thank you so much,

Linda


The small wooden music box sat on the floor beneath the living room window in our apartment – a perfect perch for a tiny girl watching for her Daddy to come home from work. Every afternoon I waited, straining to catch a glimpse of him walking toward home. Larger than life, he gathered me up in his arms and all was right in my world.

Written With Fear and Trepidation

I'm not at all good at writing essays. Somewhere between my head and the paper my thoughts get all twisted and nothing is as I had imagined it would be. Nevertheless, I'm going to try to wrestle some thoughts that have made their way from my head to my heart onto this screen. My heart feels the weight of them and thumps loudly while my fingers try to find the right keys. I'd much rather tell a little story, but this won't let me rest.

As a young wife and mother, I wanted nothing more than to do it all well. I wanted to be like the godly women I admired and be a blessing to my family and those around me. I read every book on marriage, family and being a godly woman I could get my hands on. They were written by men and women who loved the Lord and had a message burning in their souls.

In my imagination, I transport my sixty-six year old self back forty years or so and am once again a young wife and mother - the same one who wants desperately to be all God intended. If I were to gather together the books being written today by gifted godly men and women, I would get a very different message from the one I received all those years ago.

I am not here to judge which was the right message. I am simply going to share what I've learned over a lifetime of seeking God (and more often than not failing to do it well). When I read those books, I tried my very best to be all they told me I ought to be. It often ended in discouragement and feelings of guilt. I couldn't quite measure up.

It was during one of those seasons that I stopped the trying and became quiet enough to listen. I believe I heard the Father tell me to put those books, as good as they were, aside and pick up His Word. "If I can speak to them, I can speak to you child. I know you better than you know yourself. Let me give you words just for you."

And so it has been. I don't mean to say I never read Christian books. I have shelves lined with them. They have blessed me in so many ways. But I need the foundational truth of the living Word.

It seems as though the world is abuzz with arguments for and against - words beating up against each other and often beating up those who read them. I find myself desperate for His word to be heard above the clamor in my head.

There is a little exchange between Jesus and His disciples I had never thought much about before. He has just come down from the Mount of Transfiguration. He finds his disciples have been trying desperately to cast a demon out of a man's son. They are in the middle of a crowd, arguing with the religious leaders. And Jesus says:

"What is all this arguing about.."  Mark 9:16

Instead of praying, instead of doing what He had taught them to do - they were arguing.

I write this to remind myself more than anything. There are many words being written. I am a reader. I love reading those words, but I confess some have left me confused and upset. I need to line those words up with those I know are absolute truth. Only then can I use the words of others wisely.

Blessings,
Linda

Dear Verbena

I saw you there on the side of the road - just before the field of Bluebonnets. You looked a little dejected.  I just wanted you to know I understand.

Truthfully I was one of those people. The ones who start taking their cameras with them everywhere they go as soon as late February rolls around, in hopes of getting magnificent pictures of Bluebonnets. Then you caught my eye, and I felt sorry. So I took your picture too.

You really are quite beautiful, with your tiny cluster of deep purple flowers. Set against the backdrop of new green grass, you are magnificent.

I know what you're thinking - that it is all well and good but what is the use if no one even notices. Compared to those Bluebonnets you just don't measure up.

Bluebonnets are the state flower of Texas! There are pictures of them everywhere you look - calendars, coffee mugs, tee shirts, towels, the list goes on and on. Have you ever seen a Verbena on a coffee mug?

And what about all those people who ride country roads in search meadows covered with Bluebonnets? They come to a screeching halt when they spot one, causing the people riding behind them to slam on their brakes. Then they haul all the kids out of the car and plop them down in the middle of the Bluebonnets for a photo shoot. Every household has one - a picture of the family surrounded by those beautiful blue and white blooms. (I confess we have one or two.) No one has ever done a photo shoot in a patch of Verbena.

It doesn't seem quite fair. I sympathize. But I want you to know you are just as important as those other flowers. Long after they have gone to seed, you  remain faithful - right through the long hot summer. You bloom without any effort on anyone's part - no watering, fertilizing, mulching or pulling weeds - dotting the landscape with bright patches of color. You give a quiet joy without ever knowing it.

You may not get to stand in the spotlight. You may not have adoring fans singing your praises. You may not even have your picture taken or your image reproduced on dozens of products.  But you are a precious gift all the same. It would be a rather dull place without your bright purple face. Who else could make all those white and yellow wild flowers look so good?

So please don't be sad Verbena. You are uniquely you. I, for one, think you're pretty special.

Joining my sweet friend Laura today:



Blessings,
Linda

Plans Interrupted

I have made my plans for the day. I've talked to the Lord about them:

"You know yesterday I had planned to get caught up on my Bible study Father, and then we stayed so long at Mom and Dad. I hadn't figured going out to dinner with them into the schedule. It was nice, and I really do treasure these moments with them. But I never did get to the Bible study and now I'm even farther behind. And there was this blog post I had on my heart. I thought You wanted me to get that written."

"It's all right child. I enjoyed dinner with all of you."

"So today I 'm going to keep to the schedule. I've got my memory verse cards, and I'll work on those while I'm walking. I know it's important to hide Your words in my heart - and I don't want to fall behind.
Oh no! There's our neighbor. Maybe she'll turn the corner before I catch up to her. Nope. She's waiting for me. But Lord, I was just getting started on the verses..... and she walks so slowly..."

"She is more important to me at this moment dear one. Set the cards aside and give her the gift of your time."

"We're almost finished Father and now she wants to take me to meet one of the neighbors I haven't met. I still have the dirty dishes in the sink, a load of clothes in the washer and that Bible Study. I need to get going."

"I'd like you to meet this neighbor. It may not seem important right now, but I have this for you do to."

      -     -     -      -      -      -      -     -     -     -                                 

The dirty dishes are in the dishwasher now, and the dryer is humming. I'm hopelessly behind but in my heart I know I'm right where He wants me to be. I don't know what will come of the plans He had for me today. I just know they were the right ones.


I've got to go work on my Bible Study.

Have a blessed weekend,
Linda

Afraid of the Dark

When I was a little girl, I dreaded the coming of darkness. Daylight danced with joy, and I tried my best to stall the coming night. But eventually darkness overshadowed, and I knew it would come.

A little night light scattered the darkness next to my little bed. I called it my "friend." Four years later a little sister came to keep me company, but it wasn't enough. When bedtime inevitably arrived, I ran down the hallway to our bedroom, hit the doorway at top speed, and leaped into bed. Leaning over, I cautiously lifted the dust ruffle to be sure the nameless fear wasn't hiding there waiting to get me.

My "friend," the cautious peek, the reassuring tucking in did nothing to assuage my fearful little heart. There was only one thing that could calm my fears and make me feel safe and protected. It was the sound of my parents' voices. Curled up in a little ball, clutching the silk edging of my pink blanket up to my chin I listened to the soft cadence of their conversation, and eventually drifted off to sleep.

I can remember summer evenings, when Mom and Dad went outside to sit on the porch after tucking us in. I couldn't hear them, and I would call out to them - just to make sure they were still there. I didn't feel safe until they came back inside and I heard their gentle voices through the bedroom wall.

I am all grown up now, and the darkness no longer frightens me as it once did. But there are nights I lay there and feel that same feeling of separation.  I cannot "hear" His voice, and my Father seems somehow far away. It was so just the other night. A day filled with "busyness" and not much time for Him left me feeling empty. I called out to Him and lamented the distance. "I feel so far from You Lord."

"When you feel distance in our relationship, you know where the problem lies. My love for you is constant... It is you who change like shifting sand, letting circumstances toss you this way and that.
When you feel far from Me, whisper My Name, This simple act, done in childlike faith, opens your heart to My presence. "
"Jesus Calling"   Sarah Young

A gentle reminder of His unchanging character and absolute faithfulness. He would no sooner abandon me than my parents would have. They were just a little girl call away. So is He.

Joining Jennifer today:



Blessings,
Linda

A Beauty Secret

She greeted us with a warm, welcoming smile that glowed from somewhere deep down inside. It was a smile that drew you in and made you want to stay. I had come to minister in some small way. She, and her lovely friends,  blessed me in ways that cannot be measured.

 It began several months ago when Jean, one of the ladies in my Mom's Sunday School class, told her about a project to make lap quilts for the folks in an independent living home. With a lack of able hands (most of the ladies in their class are well into their eighties) the project had fallen by the wayside. Mom immediately took up her crochet hook and got to work. I decided to join her and took up my knitting needles.

One of the residents of the home, Bobbie, is in charge of the project. She has lived there for nine years and has turned this small, dark building into a place of ministry. She looks for ways to brighten the lives of the people around her, and lap quilts seemed like a good idea.

 

On this beautiful spring day, we arrived with our finished quilts. I thought we had come to give, but as is always the case in God's economy, I received much more than I could possible hope to give.

I sat watching my Mom, Jean and Bobbie, marveling at their beauty. In this season of their lives, when health problems make even the simplest tasks difficult and it would be so much easier to leave ministry to others, they are still finding ways to serve. Jean visits the home several times a week. Mom does more in a day to encourage others than most do in a lifetime. And Bobbie is a light in a place where some have found only darkness. She seeks out the ones who are hurting and does her best to bring them a measure of joy.

These women have found the secret to enduring beauty, and it doesn't come in a jar or at the hands of a plastic surgeon. It comes from within where the Spirit has settled deep and produced abundant fruit in and through these lovely lives.

Joining Laura today:



Blessings,
Linda

After (Five Minute Friday)

The weeks spin by and I've missed a few Five Minute Fridays. The house is quiet for a few hours, so I have a little space to write. After all, it's only five minutes!  Today's word is:

After

start:
I have spent far too much of my life waiting for "after."  For years it was - after the kids are in school, after the kids are grown and gone, after we sell the house..... On and on it went in an endless pattern of waiting for something else to happen.

Perhaps it is finding myself smack dab in the middle of my sixth decade. Perhaps it is an awakening to the understanding that there is so much to grab hold of in the now and so much lost in the looking ahead to what I imagine will be a better time.

There are miracles in the moments of my today that will be lost in the yearning to get somewhere else. The truth is, the somewhere else or the something else is often not nearly what I had hoped. I may very well look back and regret not savoring the moments of the here and now.

When difficulties come it feels better to look ahead to after. But what if I am so focused on it that I miss what the Father has for me in this moment?
stop

Please come visit the lovely women who gather at Lisa-Jo's on Friday. You will be blessed.

 

Blessings,
Linda

Ducks in the Oak

 Easter Sunday evening and clouds, heavy with the promise of rain, roll in. I sit at the big kitchen table working on the Bible Study I've sadly neglected all week. I keep stealing peeks out the kitchen window, silently praying those clouds will drop their burden on our parched ground.

My daughter calls from the study, "I saw lightning!" We are all waiting. A distant roll of thunder and the trees begin to bend as the wind rises. Raindrops patter against the window in a slow staccato, and then it begins to pour.

"Let's go outside and smell the rain," and we stand out on the porch breathing in the mingled scents of fresh air and thirsty land.

Once back inside, I sit down to work. The rain pours down, and I hear what sounds like the frantic cries of baby birds. I run to the window just in time to see what looks like a big bird flying across the front yard. My first thought is to save the imagined baby birds from certain death - so I run outside.

To my complete amazement there are three ducks perched in the tree. The thunder and lightning continue and soon the other duck returns. Somehow they are balancing on those branches with their webbed feet, waiting for the storm to pass.
 

Sadly, I don't have a brilliant analogy with which to end this. Except to say - on Easter Sunday there was an answer to prayers long prayed and a whimsical gift from the One gives above and beyond all that we could ask or think.

Blessings,
Linda

Following Instructions

I am not the adventurous sort. I wish I was. I look at the brave souls who step out ahead of the crowd, willing to do the hard, challenging thing and, cheer from the sidelines. I'm the one who is good at following instructions. Turn around and there I am, following at a safe distance.

It spills over into every area of my life, this timidity, this need to be in control and sure that all will be well. My Mom asked me to bake the cake for the Easter dinner she was preparing. It was one I'd never baked before - a Ricotta Cheese Cake. She dictated the recipe to me over the phone and wished me well. It had been years since she made one, and she wasn't quite sure exactly how it went. But it would be fine, she assured me.

It turns out it wasn't difficult at all. However there was a tricky little secret. The cake batter went in first. Then you carefully spooned the cheese mixture on top, covering the batter completely. Pop it in the oven, and like magic the two layers switch places. When the cake is done, the cheese will be on the bottom and the cake on top.

I followed the instructions very carefully (I am not one to wing it in the kitchen - or anywhere else for that matter) and placed the cake in the oven. I admit, there was serious doubt about that switching places thing. I kept turning on the oven light to see if it was happening, and it didn't look promising.

Time was up and the moment of truth was at hand. I carefully took it out of the oven, and sure enough it was just as it was supposed to be - the cheese layer on the bottom, the cake on top. Oh ye of little faith.

Faith.......I felt a little stirring in my spirit when I thought about the whole cake process. Everything was clearly spelled out for me. I did just as my Mom had instructed, and it all came together (even for this very mediocre cook).

How often have I faced a difficulty in my life and doubted the "instruction manual" would prove to work for me?

The Father has given me all the help I need to walk through life's joys and sorrows. Yet when I come face to face with trouble, I am prone to doubt. I look around at the circumstances and things just don't look promising.

I am learning, ever so slowly, to trust in spite of the way things look. To lean hard on the One who has promised good things if I will simply obey. He has taken the true words and wrapped them up nicely in a book I can hold in my hands. When I let those words flow from my head to my heart and live them out - it goes just the way He said it would. It isn't always the way I might choose, but it is good in His way and in His time.

Blessings,
Linda