Journey to Trust - Suffering - Day 8

He bent over to pick up his tools and saw the swirling pattern fill his eye - and the long journey to trust began. For the next few years we traveled back and forth to specialists  in a desperate attempt to save his vision. The prognosis was grim from the start.

We prayed our way through surgeries and painful days of recovery only to have to go through the whole ordeal again when the procedures failed. I was on a roller coaster faith ride - filled with hope one minute, weighted down with despair the next. I had long ago lost any notion of control. I was simply crying out for a miracle.

When the miracle didn't come we searched for answers. There were some well-meaning folks who questioned our faith. After all, they reasoned, it says in scripture that if you have enough faith you can ask for anything and God will give it to you. Others, perhaps not so well-meaning, asked if we had carefully examined our lives for unconfessed sin.

Here I was again - trying desperately to be enough. Faith-filled enough. Good enough.

In my heart I  knew God didn't work that way and I tried to ignore the "helpers," but I struggled for answers. Why is this good man suffering? Why is it You don't answer my prayers Lord? What must I do?

In time we adjusted to our situation. One eye saved, the other lost to blindness. And I simply went on walking the same path - no closer to understanding the meaning of trust than I had been before. I accepted that this was God's will for us. I longed to draw closer to Him - and I did in so many ways. But the battle for control still raged in my heart. I wanted desperately to make life good - to put an end to suffering.

For days before every check-up I begged and bargained with God (I would even hope for a cancellation because no news is good news - right?). When the results were good, I rejoiced. When there were problems, I stepped up the begging and bargaining. If they got worse I went from anger to guilt to withdrawing from God and finally to confession - an agonizing cycle.

In my own way, I was still grasping for control. I felt I couldn't live a life filled with so much potential for pain. I longed for peaceful, predictable days with a calendar devoid of doctor appointments. I tried so hard.

And all my trying got me nowhere at all.

Blessings,
Linda

Journey to Trust - Control (Day 7)

I wash down the patio table, dust off the chairs and haul my lap top outside. It is one of "those" days - the one I've been longing for for months. Months of unrelenting heat and brassy skies that made sitting outdoors a foolish idea at best.

But this day - ah this perfect day - of gentle breezes and clear blue skies stretching from horizon to horizon - running from pastel borders to a brilliant blue center that makes the eyes ache with longing. There isn't a sound apart from the chatter of birds, the neighbor's crowing rooster (who has destroyed the mistaken notion that they only crow at the rising of the sun) and the gentle rustle of leaves in the old oaks.

If I had my way, all the days would be just like this one. We would wake up to crisp, clear mornings and sit on the front porch in the evening and watch the sky turn into an artist's pallet of glorious colors. It is a silly notion, for I have no power to control the weather - not one tiny bit. Nor the wisdom to manage it. For what of the need for rain and changing seasons and even calamities?

However, I somehow acquired the notion that life was a whole different kettle of fish. If you knew me well, it wouldn't take you long to discover I have made a valiant attempt to manage everything and everyone in my life almost single-handedly.  If worrying, manipulating, nagging and frantic praying could have done the trick, I would have accomplished my mission. Instead I made everyone around me frustrated at best and not a little resentful.

Never content to focus on today's worries, I tended to look ahead - to tomorrow, next week, even months down the road. By the time I had to face the worry head on, I was exhausted, fearful and frustrated. Frustrated because all my efforts hadn't changed one single thing.

I had, and have, much to learn about trust. Trying to be good enough so that God would bless my life with happiness and good things didn't work. I was hardly ever good enough, and even when I was bad things still happened. Nor could I control the bad things - couldn't prevent them from coming no matter how hard I tried. And they came - oh how they came - threatening to destroy faith altogether.

Something was terribly wrong with my whole way of thinking. I believe, looking back, I knew what it was. I just couldn't seem to change the habits of a life-time. Somehow I had skewed the reality of who God is and the way He works in our lives - reduced Him in a misguided attempt to make Him manageable.

I needed to get reacquainted. I didn't know that, but He did.

Blessings,
Linda

Journey to Trust - Day 6

"Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in You. Show me the way I should go, for to You I lift up my soul."
Psalm 143:8

Blessings,
Linda

Journey to Trust - Day 5

"It is a glorious thing to know that your Father God makes no mistakes in directing or permitting that which crosses the path of your life. It is the glory of God to conceal a matter. It is our glory to trust Him, no matter what."
Joni Eareckson Tada - "Joni and Friends"

Blessings,
Linda

Journey to Trust/ Five Minute Friday (Day 4)

I've been doing a bit of reading - my own words, Emily's book, and Lisa-Jo's Five Minute Friday. Each has significance for me. They speak of art and story and words.

Lisa-Jo's word for today is "Write."

start:

I write in different seasons and times - yet the words keep circling back on themselves. There is a repetition, a recurring theme - and I wonder that others don't get tired of it.

It isn't intentional. It comes from somewhere deep inside and works its way to the surface over and over again. It is this matter of trust.

I wonder why and realize it is, in part, my story. We write our story in so many ways. It spills out of the depths of who we are as we walk through the minutes and hours of our days. It forms us and touches the lives most precious to us - and the ones we hardly know.

The Father is crafting trust onto the pages of my story. It is life-changing and so it weaves its way in and through my words over and over again. It has meaning and purpose.  It begins to shape the very soul of me.
It has not come easily. There has been a dying to other things so that this one true thing might live in a heart that is desperate for Him.

And so I write of trust.

stop

 

Blessings,
Linda

Journey to Trust: Day 3

Trust - "firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of someone or something"

If anyone had asked me if I trusted God, I would have answered "Yes," with absolute conviction. I loved Him and the desire of my heart was to know Him more.I believed that I trusted Him. However, I didn't live as though I did.

When confronted with life's inevitable disasters, I turned confused eyes heaven-ward and asked, "Why? I've tried my best to do everything right. Don't I deserve to be happy Lord?" Somehow, according to my own system of checks and balances, I thought I had earned a little joy. The down-side of my little system was that every time I failed I waited for the the "righteous hammer" to fall.

I read those words and feel a sadness for the girl who wanted so much to please the God who already loved her unconditionally. The girl who struggled mightily to control everything and everyone around her - to keep life manageable and free from pain.

She had yet to learn to open her hands to the One she loved - to receive from His hands both joy and sorrow with the absolute assurance that all would be well.

Blessings,
Linda

Day 2 Journey to Trust

I grew up on Sunday School, sword drills, pot luck suppers, Christian Girls in Training and hymn sings. The old songs are permanently etched on my heart - the words a treasure trove of wisdom. I have memories of riding in the backseat on the way home from my Grandparents' small apartment singing a duet with my Dad - all our favorite hymns one after another - my little voice mingling with his baritone.

One of my favorites was "Trust and Obey"

"When we walk with the Lord
  in the light of his word,
 what a glory He sheds on our way.
 While we do His good will,
 He abides with us still,
 and with all who will trust and obey.

 Trust and obey, for there's no other way
 to be happy in Jesus
 but to trust and obey."
 lyrics: John S. Tammis

I also grew up wanting, more than anything else, to be a good girl. I longed for approval - most especially God's. So I readily embraced the "obey" part.  I tried my best to be everything I thought I should be - carefully concealing the bad girl who occasionally reared her ugly head. Whenever she showed up I felt trapped - too ashamed to pray, too terrified not to confess. Desperately wanting to keep the slate clean, I worked very hard at keeping things under control.

Somehow I thought if I could manage it all, then God would be happy with me and life would be sweet. I carried this "doctrine" well into my adult life. (In truth, I struggle with it still. ) Trust became something I gave lip service to but in reality it had no part in my life. The Lord brought this to my attention in a very dramatic way a dozen or so years ago.

We'll talk more tomorrow.

Blessings,
Linda